I was reading my past entries. I gave up on them around September '09. Suddenly I feel just like I did then... Confused, fat, ugly, emotional, insecure....
I just want to delete all of that and never remember it. Any of it. Why can't I? Why don't I? I hate the way I feel right now, and I never want to feel that way again.
It's been a while.
No news here, except that there's some real asshole running around on b-nom being a jerk. I mean, seriously? Why waste your time? Maybe it's because people with eating disorders are easier to fuck with. Luckily I've got a nice thick skin woo :D
My niece turned one, I'm terribly sick, and Josh and I are moving in together in March hopefully.
My favorite kid is being really affectionate with me, which is always nice. Especially so when they're non-verbal and otherwise the most severe case you've dealt with (though I suppose not too too severe on the spectrum).
I gave up desserts until I lose ten pounds. I'm on day two. (I gave them up the same day I got sick, BAD DECISION.) It stinks a lot. But I have Josh to tell me (under my orders) that I WILL BE HOT. Pro Tip: Carb Addiction SUCKS BALLS.
I really miss reading people's blogs. It is unfortunate that it went out of style to keep one.
Tomorrow is my driving class for that ticket. I've already determined that I'm not going to let the fact that I have to wake up at 6am ruin my Friday night. I'll go to bed whenever, and just lose sleep. Josh is busy tomorrow after work anyway so after my work, which is after "class," I can nap if I need to.
I had some more to say, but I just realized I need to run off to work :P
Well, it's been a pretty shitty week.
My car broke down on Friday.
I dropped 90 dollars to replace the fan relays (and we're not even sure if they're the problem. It'll be another 280 if I have trouble again, replacing the fan itself).
My dog has an ear infection.
I got served today.
I need to pay them 219 dollars on Saturday morning and my check from work doesn't come until Saturday afternoon.
The check will be between 400 and 500 dollars.
219 + 240 car payment + 90 dollars in other bills = 549, so I MIGHT have enough for that with the 80 thats in my account now.
I have to put gas in my car.
Tomorrow, or Wednesday.
And my dog STILL has an ear infection.
Needless to say, I am genuinely suicidal right now :P
I'm so tired of this crap.
I JUST dropped 300 dollars on this car less than a month ago.
That stupid ticket is BS because when the light turned yellow, my choice was slam on my breaks, or keep going. I kept going. Unfortunately it is the largest intersection in Tucson, so I got flashed. WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE NEXT TO THE LARGEST INTERSECTION IN TUCSON?
It's been a little while, hasn't it?
As a side note, I need to get some userpics that aren't so OHMYGODHAPPY, for when I'm not feeling OHMYGODHAPPY.
Today was rough.
Tucson has been raining nonstop the last week, and I'm tired of it. Who would have thought. I used to be that girl; I'd run around in the rain until my clothes were soaked and my lips were numb and now just the thought of rain wants me to drive my car up a tree.
Mostly it's because of my job. I have to drive in this mess we call the weather. And Tucsonans are some of the dumbest people mankind can produce. There's always a million accidents in this type of weather. And I always catch two or three of them in one drive.
Then tonight Tejai went off telling me about how Josh will never change and I deserve better etc. That sort of thing. In his defense, everything he said was right, and if Josh and I can't get to an adult relationship where he is completely loyal to me alone, then it's just not going to work out. Also, everything he said was stuff I'd already heard. But when Josh got wind of it he a.) really decided to super hate Tejai for eternity and think that Tejai's out to ruin our relationship and b.) realized how terrible a human being he is and how miserably he's been treating me and how he doesn't deserve me etc.
Needless to say, Josh wasn't too happy.
I feel like it needed to happen. But that doesn't make me feel any better about the whole mess :/.
On top of it Tejai got all cryptic and declared that he was done and he never gets what he wants and I don't think we'll be talking anymore. I'm a little bit confused about that, but it'll ease Josh's mind a little, knowing Tejai isn't talking to me anymore.
Well, today is our official three years.
Minus one day.
It definitely feels different; I'm working my hardest to get over that.
Yesterday we pretty much got back on track to doing everything we'd usually do as a couple that's been together three years. That feels good. I still have this small curtain of doubt, though. My assumption is that it'll be there for a little bit.
For right now, we're doing fine. He still says he honestly can't remember why he was so miserable. Maybe he'll remember soon enough.
One of my biggest worries is that he's been in a relationship since he was 15. Maybe he needs some time to be single? I'm afraid he'll start to resent me or something... in any event, I'll be talking to him about that today.
I've picked out two things that I can work on that are besides the obvious, and those are to get mad at his mom less (or, complain about his mom to my mom and not to him), and to complain less. Anyway, I need to go meet Sarah Tang at Starbucks now. Fill her in on everything.
Today was full of excitement.
At CT's school, his teacher told me that he talks more for me than he does for his long-term HAB Therapist or even his father. It made me feel pretty good.
He also was amazing with his thinking today. I put three colors in front of him fully expecting him to say "Blue" as it was one of the colors but he looked at all three, opened his mouth a couple of times to decide, and settled on "red." And then later, "Green." I'm trying to work him out of the habit of saying "Blue" because it's usually the color that works. He still gets stuck on yellow, though. Then later, I stopped the rocking chair while he was enjoying it, and I just sat there. The wheels were turning and eventually he came up with "please" all on his own. It was wonderful.
He's showing me lots of affection, too. I suppose that's going to happen with a kid you work with 6 days a week. But I never thought I'd see the day, as autism hinders that.
Third time's the charm with Writing 102 it seems. I've actually got an intelligent teacher this time around, who has a schedule and a plan and is very vocal about how "Twilight" is not good writing at all. I also looked like a rock star in the beginning of class. I'd missed the first class as it was on Josh's birthday, and took the time to print out the schedule and do all of the homework. So when she called my name and I stood up in front of everyone and she said "let me get you a copy of the schedule" and I said "I already have one," and then she said "and I'm also giving you until Sunday at midnight to do the assigned homework" and I said "I already did it," I felt pretty damned good about myself.
He called me last night.
He spent a good six hours loving his freedom, telling everyone that would listen that he was never going back, and then magically, over a two-hour period he changed his mind.
It leaves me skeptical.
I've told him that it's like we're starting over, that it's like he'll have to do a little bit of winning me back. I told him to take a night and tell me today if he's up for that. I'm pretty nervous about it. I know he just wants everything to go back to normal, and I know that one of his weakest points when it comes to being in a relationship is the ability to communicate.
When we were talking last night, he had no complaints about me at all, which also bothered me. He's been telling everyone he meets that I get mad at him about every little thing, that I'm crazy, and that he loved me but he just didn't like me anymore, and he didn't have anything to bring up to me, so...
I guess we'll just see. I'm in limbo for the next few hours, until he wakes up and tells me if he's really willing to commit. If he isn't, I think I've spent a good day being heart-broken, and perhaps I'll be a little bit more okay with it. I guess we'll just see. One thing is for sure, he is definitely my best friend, and when little things went wrong throughout the day, the only thing I wanted to do was call him and tell him "hey, it's been a pretty shitty day. God hates me so much that my boyfriend just broke up with me, AND my car is falling apart at the seams."
It has been a terrible, terrible day.
I managed to get myself together by the time we met up and finalized things.
Then it all broke apart.
If he ever changed his mind and really wanted to work on things, I would do it.
I'm such a loser.
He blocked me.
He doesn't want to talk to me for a while. Which I don't understand. Maybe he's afraid of falling in love with me again. Which, of course, is bogus because he doesn't even like me.
I'm just a crazy bitch who's not worth anyone's time.
I still can't eat.
And who knows if I'll be able to sleep.
My boobs got bigger with this new birth control.
And now there's no one to enjoy them, and no reason to be taking any birth control at all.